Try to find any genre of humour that’s crazily lovely as dad jokes? You’re probably going to need to search for a while. Dad jokes aren’t like the regular jokes you hear from an everyday comedian.
They’re always ingenious with somewhat a mosiac nature to it. They’re funny not because there’s something cool with it or it’s serving the best medicine. Nah… Dad jokes are so platitudinous and old hat that you literally have to get the phrase “Best Dad on the planet” printed on your T-shirt before the fun of it kicks in. Well, safe for the vintage and gut-busting Dad Jokes we’ve put together for your reading pleasure.
The Best Dad Jokes Ever
1. I’m not happy with our new sandwich toaster…We should’ve just kept the old one! Oh well, the more you remember, the Breville…
2. My friend purchased a car just to get him from A to B… The trouble is, he lives in Kew.
3. Just cooked a steak on my George Formby grill..Turned out out wonderfully once more.
4. My son was conceived when my wife and I got frisky on our sofa and armchairs whilst listening to Guns n’ Roses… Suite child of mine.
5. I do like to post chemistry puns but only periodically. They often get no reaction…
6. I keep saying ‘Welsh Rabbit’ instead of ‘Welsh Rarebit’. I think I may have a case of mixing my toasties?
7. I used to know a deaf fisherman. He wore a herring aid.
8. I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush. There’s no plaque.
9. My mum always used to say; “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. Nice lady, terrible surgeon..
10. My mate said I wasn’t a true cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges..
11. If anyone wants to come and discuss how bad my DIY skills are… My door’s always open…
12. My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets… But first I’ve got to want to help myself.
13. To try and cheer up lockdown in January, I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music. Is this the winter of my disco tent?
14. I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week. It was OK. Nothing to write home about
15. I bought some cheap Ronseal without the tin. Does anyone know what it does?
16. I’d like to thank my neighbour for placing a cover over my car last night when it was icy. Ta, Pauline.
17. My wife is saying she’ll divorce me because of my obsession with television dramas. But will she leave me? Find out next week…
18. My mate can’t get a girlfriend because his handwriting is so bad… He’s an illegible bachelor.
19. On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop! Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes…
20. I got arrested for stealing a complete set of encyclopedias… I said to the police “Hang on, I can explain everything…”
21. I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves… It was Mordor on the dancefloor…
22. I’m having difficulty remembering the brand name of fizzy sweets I used to enjoy as a kid, so I’m going on a refresher course…
23. Leo Sayer once told me that I look just like Sam from ‘Cheers’…. He made me feel like Danson.
24. The adult version of ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ is now ‘Mask, wallet, keys and phone”…
25. My wife is leaving me because she thinks I’m too old fashioned! I’ll wager a sixpence she’s courting another chap…
26. Just had my car waxed. No idea how it gets so hairy…
26. I’ve just started an online engraving course… There’s so much to learn though and so far we’ve hardly scratched the surface.
27. When I’m in the supermarket I often get easily distracted by the cans of cooked meat, it must be my short attention spam…
28. I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films… I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
29. I once went for a curry with George Michael. He said he fancied an alternative version of his favourite mild, coconut based dish…
30. Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket” “How long have you felt like this?” “Ever since I was Lidl”.
31. My window cleaner passed away recently. Just made contact with him again using a squeegee board…
32. Studies have shown that cows will produce more milk when the farmer talks to them… It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
33. I witnessed a fight between an auctioneer and a hairdresser… They were going at it hammer and tongs
34. My dad, my mum and myself have always had two obsessions; collecting moulds, and fungus and the Queen song ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’. I’m just a spore boy from a spore family…
35. Witness “I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!” Reporter “Did he have a gun?” Witness “No, but he was well armed!”
36. A friend phoned to tell me he was changing his name to ‘Mr Spinal Column’. I said “Can I call you back?”
37. My New Years resolution is going well, I’ve given up chocolate! Not thinking about it, it’s not even in my vocadbury.
39. My mate failed his aboriginal music exam. I asked him, “Did you redo it?”
40. I’ve been kicked out of Peripheral Vision Club. I didn’t see that coming.
41. My neighbour just banged on my wall whilst I’m trying to listen to my music… “A little respect please!” they shouted ! Well I’m not a big Erasure fan but this ones for you!
42. I bought myself a pair of spider silk trousers. They look great, but the flies keep getting stuck..
43. People commenting about the youth of today wearing Ramones and Smith’s t-shirts and not knowing who the band’s are is nonsense… I wear a Fred Perry t-shirt and I’ve never been to any of his concerts.
44. What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One is a large marsupial, the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift…
45. I bought a lettuce from a green grocers owned by The Mamas and the Papas but it’s already gone off… All the leaves are brown.
46. I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line. I was going to confront him but I got cold feet..
48. If I owned a German car dealership in Texas I would definitely call it “Audi Partner”…
49. I met my wife when she was working on the London Stock Exchange. We went on a date and she started playing FTSE with me under the table…
50. The bloke in our local chip shop says the best way to cook fish is to give it a good slap first. Sounds like codswallop to me…
51. I think even Primark are going to struggle to come up with a suitable naff phrase to put on a t-shirt for this one…
52. I’ve never really fancied trying the bobsleigh but I’d probably have a go if pushed…
53. The police have just rung to inform me that they’ve recovered my stolen sofa. That was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty…
